What Does Human Taste Like? Transcript
Please note this is copied from the recording script. It needs minor editing to match the published episode. Especially needed are correct descriptions and timing for the sound effects and music SCENE 1. EXT. A VILLAGE. ' SOUND: A crowd of angry villagers murmuring. Moaning zombies with them. MALPHOREUS By the powers granted to me, Malphoreus the Deathless, master of the decaying Orozad-- VILLAGER RINGLEADER Booooo! MALPHOREUS I beg your pardon? VILLAGER RINGLEADER You're a necromancer! MALPHOREUS Now what would ever make you think that? VILLAGER 2 There are undead roaming the village! ZOMBIE (moan) MALPHOREUS I can explain... VILLAGER RINGLEADER The robes are also kind of a give-away. VILLAGER 3 We asked you to cure our village of the Blue Death, and look what you did! MALPHOREUS In my defense, these people no longer have the plague... Haha. Sorry. VILLAGERS ''BURN THE NECROMANCER!!! MALPHOREUS Oh dear. SOUND: MALPHOREUS RUNS, panting- he's not an athletic man- FOLLOWED BY THE MOB. VILLAGER RINGLEADER Come back here, coward! MALPHOREUS No, thank you! Ah! I shall hide myself in here... 'SCENE 2. INSIDE A STORAGE CELLAR. ' SOUND: Malphoreus SLAMS the door and throws the lock. SOUND: Cat bell SNOWBALL That's not going to keep them out for very long. MALPHOREUS Snowball! Thank the gods. You have to help me! SNOWBALL Correction: I don't have ''to help you... MALPHOREUS If I die, you won't have anyone to open your cans for din-din. SNOWBALL If you die I will be freed from this infernal plane. MALPHOREUS You don't know that. You may be trapped here with no one to feed you. VILLAGER 3 (from outside:) He's in here! SNOWBALL What will you give me for helping you? SOUND: Villagers pound on the door. MALPHOREUS We don't have a lot of time... SNOWBALL ''You ''don't have a lot of time. I'm an immortal, inter-dimensional being. ''My ''time is infinite. MALPHOREUS What could you possibly want? You already own my soul. SNOWBALL Yes, and a lot of good that's done me. SOUND: The pounding gets more violent. Maybe wood cracks. MALPHOREUS What is it that you want, Snowball?! SNOWBALL I want to only eat wet food. And not that disgusting, cheap stuff. The expensive kind. With gravy and little morsels of cheese. MALPHOREUS That's it? Consider it done. SNOWBALL And I want my Relic back. MALPHOREUS I beg your pardon? SNOWBALL If you ''want to be torn limb from limb by screaming, diseased peasants it's all right with me. MALPHOREUS Fine fine fine, I'll do it! SNOWBALL (demon voice with her cat one) The compact is sealed. SOUND: Portal opens. MALPHOREUS Oh thank the gods. SNOWBALL Don't thank the gods, thank me. SOUND: Her collar jingles as she leaps through the portal. SOUND: The DOOR breaks down. VILLAGER RINGLEADER There he is! VILLAGER 4 Get him! MALPHOREUS Catch you never, suckers! SOUND: Portal closes. VILLAGER RINGLEADER That was rude. '''INTRODUCTION: NARRATOR Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root! SCENE 3. EXT.' THE COMPANIONS' CAMP.' SOUND: Bianka is cooking breakfast over a fire and humming to herself. NARRATOR A few days have passed since we last saw our "heroes." Sir Rodney's rag-tag companions awaken at their camp. They believe all the whims of Fate have in store for them is a simple day of travel along the Kings Road toward Amaranthyne. But unlike his companions, Sir Rodney is wise. He knows better. BIANKA What in the Infernal Plane are you talking about, Bard? BARD You'll see... SOUND: Portal. Scene 3.2 MALPHOREUS Greeting, Bianka. BIANKA (Surprised noise) Gods! SOUND: Portal closes. MALPHOREUS No god. It is I, Malphoreus the Deathless. BIANKA You can't just teleport up on people out of nowhere. You scared the crap outta me. MALPHOREUS My apologies. I spend so much of my time holed up in my castle, I have become unaware of the norms of modern society. BIANKA Don't worry about it. Just next time send a raven first so I know you're coming. MALPHOREUS As you wish. BIANKA Want some bacon? It's almost done. MALPHOREUS Thank you, but no. I am a vegetarian. For moral reasons, you understand. However, as pleasant as casual conversing is, I have not broken the confines of space and time to discuss my dietary habits. I require your services. BIANKA That was fast. MALPHOREUS Necromancers do not adhere to the mundane passage of time. Some things require centuries, other mere moments. BIANKA You got in trouble, huh? MALPHOREUS Perhaps. BIANKA Don't worry about it, big guy. What do you need? SOUND: Tent flap opening. Scene 3.3 GILBERT That smells really good, Bianka. BIANKA Thanks. I was getting tired of eating Feandyr's gruel, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. FAENDYR (from inside his tent) You know I can hear you, right? GILBERT Oh. Malphoreus. Um, hello. MALPHOREUS Greeting, sir knight. GILBERT Hey- random question. You wouldn't happen to know, by any chance, if a person trapped inside an object can communicate, would you? MALPHOREUS Someone trapped inside of a root, perhaps? GILBERT Yes! MALPHOREUS No idea. GILBERT Oh. Okay. Nevermind. BIANKA You left your stick in the tent. GILBERT Yeah. I um, I have to go... you know. And I didn't want to bring him... it ''with me. BIANKA Okay? GILBERT Also, it's a root. Not a stick. Anyway. I'll be back. SOUND: GILBERT WALKS AWAY ''Scene 3.4 MALPHOREUS In return for Snowball's aid in a delicate situation, I agreed to... some of her demands. BIANKA I'm not really in the bougie cat food game, but I know a guy. MALPHOREUS Oh. No. I've already taken care of that part. I also promised to reunite her with her Relic, which was taken from her more than a century ago. It's known as the Undying Collar. BIANKA Hold up. You want me to find and possibly steal an Unholy Relic? MALPHOREUS No, just steal. I know where it is. The elderly human Duchess Withershanks has it, at her estate of Briarthorne. It shouldn't be too difficult of a job for you, seeing as I've already done two thirds. BIANKA Stealing enchanted trinkets here and there on the side is one thing. But if it gets out that I gave an Unholy to a necromancer's demon... MALPHOREUS First off, I'm her necromancer, not the other way around. And I doubt it houses enough power to be anything anyone will be worried about. BIANKA I'm afraid to ask, but what's she planning on doing with it? MALPHOREUS Returning to her demon form? Compelling the whole continent of Ilsylian to wait on her hand and foot? The usual. BIANKA I don't know, Mal... MALPHOREUS As loath as I am to use so crass a phrase, you do owe me. BIANKA All right... But it might have to wait if the rest of the Companions don't agree. CUT TO: SCENE 4. EXT. THE COMPANIONS' CAMP. CAMILLA Very well. GILBERT Sounds good to me. COLIN Oooooh! Fun. FAENDYR Yeah, whatever. KEANU Sure. KEVIN *squeak* BIANKA You're all seriously okay with this? CAMILLA Briarthorne estate is on our way to Amaranthyne. It isn't as if we will be going out of our way. FAENDYR I just want to sleep in a bed and eat some real food. CAMILLA Yes, I am looking forward to something other than your gruel for a change. FAENDYR At least I make food, which is more than you can say. CAMILLA If you can call it "food." GILBERT It's not that ''bad. COLIN What's a bed? KEANU You know. It's like... uh... where you sleep? COLIN You mean the ground? BIANKA I'm honestly shocked you guys don't have a problem stealing from a defenseless old woman to help a demon. FAENDYR Oh, I have a problem with ''that, but I figure I'd just ignore it in favor of spending a day or two at a cushy estate. CAMILLA Just put a pillow over any moral qualms until they stop struggling. That's what I do. BIANKA What about you, Sir Knight? Didn't you like, swear an oath to protect people or something? GILBERT Brairthorne is a part of a sovereign duchy, and not the kingdom of Kirkland. Technically my oath of protection doesn't extend to anyone living there. BIANKA You all are pretty horrifying sometimes, you know that? MUSIC TRANSITION TO: SCENE 5. EXT. ENTRANCE TO BRIARTHORNE ESTATE SOUND: If this were visual, it would be a run-down, creepy looking estate. So, whatever that means, sound-wise. BARD After a day of travel, Sir Rodney and his Companions arrive at Briarthorne. Once the home of a proud and mighty family, the elderly Duchess Withershanks is all that remains of the previously indispensable line of nobles. Like its previous inhabitants, the once august estate is now crumbling and decayed. What perils will the Companions discover during their sojourn? GILBERT Do you know the Duchess, Camilla? CAMILLA Only by sight. It's been some years since she's been to the capital. She's very elderly. FAENDYR So, like, 60? CAMILLA One hundred and two. FAENDYR Wait, what?! COLIN She's almost as old as I am! CAMILLA Colin- you must be on your very best behavior. The Duchess is a strict and humorless woman. BIANKA Well. We're here. SOUND: Maybe a crow cawing. Wind whistling, shutter rattling. Something to drive home how creepy this place is. FAENDYR It's... a lot creepier than I imagined. KEANU I bet there are like, ghosts and stuff. FAENDYR There's no such things as ghosts. BIANKA Only lost spirits who reanimate corpses and drink unicorns' blood. KEANU Oh, well, in that ''case... CAMILLA If you're all finished, I'd like to go indoors. GILBERT I'll get the door. SOUND: KNOCKING. BIANKA Just so we're clear-- and I'm talking to you, Colin and Kevin-- we're ''not here to steal the Relic. Got it? COLIN Then why are we here? KEANU Yeah, I'm confused now. BIANKA Oh my gods. SOUND: The door slowly creaks open. RUPERT (grumpy) Hullo? Yes? Oh. What do you want? GILBERT Hail and well met, friend. RUPERT We are not friends. GILBERT S-sorry. RUPERT Well, get on with it, boy! What is it you want? GILBERT (thrown off) I'm Sir Gilbert Wyvernguard. The Crown Princess of Kirkland and her retinue require your hospitality on our journey to Amaranthyne. RUPERT Why? CAMILLA I beg your pardon? RUPERT I said "why". CAMILLA No, I heard you. I was making sure that's what you wanted to say. I'm the Crown Princess of Kirkland. RUPERT I know. And? CAMILLA (Getting flustered) The laws of nobility demand that the Duchess extend her hospitality to any visiting nobles! RUPERT That's nice. CAMILLA Gil, do something. COLIN Don't worry my friends, I have this. Hullo, good sir. I'm an orphan! KEANU Look at him. Look at how small and cute he is. You wouldn't turn him out into the cold, would you? KEANU AND COLIN Hmmmm? RUPERT I suppose I will rouse the Duchess from her afternoon slumber. GILBERT Thank you. SOUND: He takes a step. RUPERT No. Stay here. SOUND: The door slams. BIANKA Wow. Okay, I'm going to enjoy stealing that Relic out from under their smug noses. KEANU He's a reanimated corpse, right? COLIN Should we kill him? GILBERT No, Colin! COLIN But he's mean. GILBERT You can't just kill people because they're mean. COLIN Why not? SOUND: The door creaks open again RUPERT The Duchess Withershanks. SOUND: Building, scary music, cut off by- DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS (friendly, a kindly old lady) Oh! Hellloooooooo! COMPANIONS (surprised) Uh/ Hullo / Hi DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS How lovely! It's been so very long since I've had any visitors. I’m quite starved ''for company. COLIN We're not going to steal anything. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Of course you won't, you charming boy! KEANU Uhhh... I'm confused. I thought you were, like, mean? DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Oh, Bartholomew! You jester. KEANU Oh, uhhhh. Yeah, no, I'm uh... Keanu? DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Please, please come in! I'm sure you're all weary from your travels. My servants will prepare the east wing for you, so that you may wash up before your dinner. GILBERT Thank you, Duchess. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Rupert! RUPERT Very well. But I take no pleasure in it. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS And please let the kitchen know we have visitors ''for dinner. RUPERT Humph. SOUND: He walks away. Scene 5.4 DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Don't mind Rupert, he is only in jest. BIANKA Yeah, he's a riot. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS I assume you all will be staying for a few days? CAMILLA That would be lovely, thank you Duchess. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Oh, no. It is an honor, I assure you. Please, come in. KEANU Uh... even me? DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Bartholomew, is something wrong? KEANU I mean... shouldn’t I like, stay in the stables or something? DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS The stables? Why would you ever stay there? KEANU I'm a horse? DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS A horse! Oh ho! Your jests rival Rupert's! Come, come. GILBERT Thank you, Duchess. SOUND: The companions ascend the stairs. KEANU Also stairs and I, like, don't get along? GILBERT Is that the Relic? Her necklace. BIANKA Yes. Shut up. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Do watch the door frame-- SOUND: THUMP FAENDYR Ow! Gods! Why are all the doorways so low in this country?? SOUND: Clumsy horse footsteps as Keanu tries to walk up the stairs. KEANU Hey, uh... don't wait for me. SCENE 6. INT. BRIARTHORNE. BARD And so the Companions find themselves scrubbed clean and fresh, and prepare for their first real meal after suffering Faendyr's abysmal gruel for weeks. FAENDYR Hey. BARD Curiously, they find clean sets of clothes awaiting them in their prepared rooms. GILBERT Huh. FAENDYR Ohmygods, I think this is vintage! Look at the embroidery! GILBERT You don't think this is kind of... weird? FAENDYR Yeah. It's like impossible to find quality vintage mage robes. Most of them incinerate with their owners. Mages have a very high statistical rate of dying in a fire. GILBERT Not that. Wait, why do you wear robes, then? Isn't it dangerous, considering? Robes are very flammable. FAENDYR Oh, super dangerous. But fashion is more important than safety, obviously. GILBERT I meant no one knew we were coming, but they just happen to have extra clothing in our sizes? FAENDYR Huh. SOUND: Gilbert pulls back the cover FAENDYR Why are you putting that stick under the covers? GILBERT It's Rodney, and I'm changing... I don't want him to see. FAENDYR Okay...? SOUND: GILBERT takes off his shirt. FAENDYR Wow. GILBERT What? FAENDYR You're jacked. GILBERT I am a knight. FAENDYR Wow. GILBERT I'm gonna... I'm gonna take off my trousers now. FAENDYR Yeah, yeah. Sure. SOUND: Gil drops his trousers FAENDYR Oh my gods. SCENE 7. BRIARTHORNE DINING ROOM. SOUND: Sounds of utensils on plates. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Thank you, your majesty, for joining me for dinner. CAMILLA Thank you for your hospitality. BIANKA Dutchess, would you like some of the rolls? DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Oh no. Just my soup for me. BIANKA What is that, tomato? DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Mm. I trust your gowns fit? CAMILLA Yes, thank you. That was unexpected. BIANKA Yeah. I'm not used to wearing a dress, but thanks. CAMILLA You look lovely. BIANKA I clean up well. CAMILLA Yes, you do. BIANKA Thanks. You uh, look nice too. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Your skins have such a lovely flush to them. BIANKA Uh... CAMILLA Pardon? DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS I hope it was all right to have Sir Gilbert and Master Faendyr together in one room, and you two in the other. CAMILLA Oh, yes. BIANKA Yeah, yeah. Great. CAMILLA I'm sure Gil and Faendyr don't mind either. BIANKA Speaking of, where are they? SOUND: Door opening. Scene 7.2 FAENDYR Sorry we're late. Someone didn't want to put on his trousers. COLIN Curse you, leg prisons! DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Oh, no problem at all. Rupert! Bring them fresh plates, please. RUPERT Humph. SOUND: They pull out their chairs and sit. GILBERT That's a very lovely necklace, Duchess. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Oh, this old thing? Thank you. GILBERT Where did you get it? SOUND: Bianka kicks him. GILBERT Ow! Bianka, why did you kick me? RUPERT Your food, gentlemen. SOUND: Rupert drops plates on the table. GILBERT Thanks? FAENDYR Um, rude. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS My necklace was a gift from a paramour of mine, many years ago. She was a very talented mage from the Mages College. CAMILLA It's lovely. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS I keep it in her memory. She was tragically incinerated when her robes caught fire. GILBERT Oh. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS I never take it off, so that she is always with me. BIANKA That's great. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Even when I sleep, I still wear it. BIANKA Just great. Awkward pause. DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS You should try some of this wonderful soup, Rupert. Very full bodied. It might put some blood back into those sallow cheeks. RUPERT Humph. GILBERT The dinner is lovely. COLIN (chewing) Is this human? CAMILLA Colin! GILBERT Um. Colin? Have you eaten human before? COLIN I don't know. What does human taste like? DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Like chicken. SOUND: Fork dropping DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS Anyone for dessert? COMPANIONS Oh no no / I'm good / No thanks DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS It is most unfortunate Bartholomew couldn't join us. SCENE 8. EXT. 'ENTRANCE TO THE BRIARTHORNE ESTATE' KEVIN *squeak* KEANU Oh, hey Kevin. Yep, I'm still here. Stairs are... hard. KEVIN *squeak* KEANU I know you just put one hoof in front of the other, but that's easier said than done, ya know... KEVIN *squeak* KEANU Okay. I'll try. But don't laugh, okay? SOUND: He steps. Steps again. One more. KEVIN *excited squeak* KEANU Oh man! SOUND: He falls down the stairs. KEANU Back to square one. SCENE 9. INT. BRIARTHORNE. BARD After dining with their senile host, the companions plot their next move in their private east wing. BIANKA Since she says she never takes it off, I'll have to steal it while she's sleeping. CAMILLA You don't think she'll realize it was us? BIANKA I'll pin it on Rupert... Unless you have a problem with that. ALL Nope. No. *squeak* COLIN He's an ass! GILBERT Where did you hear that word? COLIN From Faendyr! FAENDYR What? He is. GILBERT Wait. Are you all thinking what I'm thinking? COLIN Rupert is a butt and we should put gruel in his shoes? GILBERT No, Colin! CAMILLA Don't call someone a butt. It's plebeian. COLIN May I call him a posterior? CAMILLA Yes, you may. GILBERT No, you may not! My point was: the Duchess is one hundred and two. And she's wearing a necklace called the Undying Collar. COLIN Yes. Yes. I see. ... And? CAMILLA The necklace is keeping her alive. COLIN Ooooooooooh. GILBERT And if we take it off of her, she may die. BIANKA I don't think it's a "may" if she's one hundred and two. I think that's a "definitely will". GILBERT We'll essentially be murdering her. Are you okay with that? BIANKA Yes. But, I mean, I don't want to speak for everyone... FAENDYR I'm really just here for the food? COLIN The meat was dry. As our host, she bears the responsibility, and deserves to die. GILBERT Oh my gods. Camilla? Surely you have qualms about causing the death of a noble. CAMILLA Upon her death her duchy will become a part of Kirkland. GILBERT Well, I'' don't like this. BIANKA You said your protection doesn't extend to her estate. GILBERT That doesn't mean I'm okay with killing her! FAENDYR Gil, you technically kill people for a living. GILBERT As a last resort! And for, you know, reasons! CAMILLA Reasons, such as chickens? GILBERT You leave The Chicken Affair out of this. BIANKA Well, we'll just hope she only dies as a last resort. GILBERT Oh my gods. KEVIN *squeak squeak* COLIN Kevin would like to add that she has lived long beyond the normal lifespan of a human. If anything, we will be righting the natural course of things. BIANKA That is a very good point, Kevin. KEVIN *squeak* BIANKA You're welcome. GILBERT I'm not going to stop you from doing your job, Bianka. And as one of the Companions, I will help you however I can. But I won't have a hand in her death. BIANKA That's fair. FAENDYR So, what's the plan? BIANKA I think you should all get a good night's sleep. I'm just going to get the lay of the land, so to speak. Don't worry about it. GILBERT Are you sure? BIANKA I've been doing this for years, Gil. I know what I'm doing. '''SCENE 10. INT. BRIARTHORNE.' KEANU Okay, Keanu. You made it inside. Just need to find your friends. I bet they're up these... stairs. Oh boy. SCENE 11. INT. BRIARTHORNE. SOUND: Door opens, closes. GILBERT Colin's asleep. FAENDYR That took long enough. GILBERT He's not used to sleeping in a bed. I had to tell him the story of Saint Goat three times before he passed out. Oh. That's... uh. That's a nice night-robe. FAENDYR This old thing? GILBERT It's very... lacy. FAENDYR Yes. It is. GILBERT Um. There's only one bed. FAENDYR Huh. GILBERT It's okay. Maybe I'll sleep with Colin. FAENDYR You don't want to do that, trust me. Kid kicks like a mule... We could share the bed. GILBERT Okay. Just let me change into my nightclothes. SOUND: GIL takes off his shirt FAENDYR (sexy) Oooh. What are those scars from? GILBERT Um... stab wound... stab wound... um I think this one's an arrow. Stab wound. This was a chicken. Uh, stab wound... and these are from my top surgery. FAENDYR Top surgery? GILBERT I’m trans. FAENDYR Oh? GILBERT I understand if that changes things—- FAENDYR Of course it doesn't. GILBERT (relieved) Good. FAENDYR You’re still the hottest man I’ve ever laid eyes on... which is saying a lot coming from me. GILBERT Thanks. Well, um, on that note... SOUND: Bed squeaks as he gets in. FAENDYR This is... cozy. GILBERT 'Night, Faendyr. FAENDYR 'Night. Pause. GILBERT Wait. I just remembered elves don't need to sleep. FAENDYR I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to remember that. GILBERT Would you like to... do something else, then? Unless I’ve been completely misreading this entire situation, which is always a possibility. FAENDYR (he kisses him) That answer your question? SOUND: they kiss GILBERT Wait. Hold on a sec. SOUND: bed squeaks as he get up. FAENDYR It's fine we can take our time... What are you doing? SOUND: He opens a trunk GILBERT I uh, gotta put Rodney somewhere. SOUND: Trunk closes. FAENDYR You closed him in a trunk? GILBERT Yep. Long story. SOUND: he gets back on the bed GILBERT Now. Where were we. SCENE 12. INT. BRIARTHORNE. HALLWAY. SOUND: Door opens. Colin tiptoes through the hallway. COLIN Shhh, Kevin. We need to be very quiet! KEVIN *quiet squeak* COLIN Oh! Keanu! There you are! KEANU Oh hey, lil man. COLIN You're supposed to share my room. What are you doing on the stairs? KEANU Uhhh. Just hangin' out. What are you doing out of bed? COLIN Kevin and I are hungry. KEVIN *squeak* COLIN We're looking for the pantry. The wall mice told Kevin where it is. KEANU Cool cool cool. COLIN You wanna come with? KEANU Uhhhh... I'll just stay here. But could you bring me something? COLIN What would you like? KEANU Uh. Surprise me! COLIN Sure thing, buddy! We'll be back. SOUND: He skips down the stairs. KEANU It's okay. It's just the dark, Keanu. And you're just stuck in the middle of a flight of stairs. It's not like a vampire is going to come and try to eat you. Oh gods, why did I say that?? SCENE 13. INT. BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY. SOUND: A door quietly opens. Soft footsteps. BIANKA Alright, Duchess... SOUND: LOCKPICK SOUND: A RAVEN MATERIALIZES, caws. BIANKA What in the--? SOUND: A PORTAL OPENS MALPHOREUS I sent a raven first, as you requested. BIANKA Shhh! And that wasn't what I meant, but thanks, I guess. How did you find me? MALPHOREUS I have my ways. Did you read its message? BIANKA It showed up like half a second before you did. MALPHOREUS But did you read it? BIANKA No. What's up? SCENE 14. INT. BRIARTHORNE. PANTRY. COLIN Ah ha! The pantry! After you. KEVIN *squeak* COLIN Very well, if you insist. SOUND: Door opening. KEVIN *worried squeak* COLIN Oooooooh! This isn't a normal pantry... Why are there piles of clothes in here? And skeletons? KEVIN *squeak* COLIN You're right, Gil will know what to do! ... do you still want some food though? KEVIN *squeak* COLIN Good. Me too. We'll tell him in a minute. SCENE 15. INT.' BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY.' BIANKA Wait, what? MALPHOREUS The Duchess of Withershanks died many years ago. BIANKA Are you sure, Mal? MALPHOREUS As sure as I may be, considering our reality may be but the imagination of another. BIANKA Okay? MALPHOREUS I spoke to her spirit in the Netherplane. She was, as I believe you centennials say, a "binch". BIANKA So, whoever... or what''ever that is, it's not the real Duchess. MALPHOREUS Clearly, yet it has taken on her physical form. What do you plan to do? BIANKA I mean, I'm still gonna steal the Relic. MALPHOREUS Very well. I just wanted you to be aware of all of the factors in your quest. I would hate for anything to happen to you. BIANKA Aw, you care. MALPHOREUS It's just that it would take a lot of time for me to find a new thief who doesn't mind stealing strange arcane objects. And ironically as someone called "the Deathless", time is something that I am rather short on. BIANKA Thanks, Big Guy. SOUND: PORTAL OPENING. MALPHOREUS Well. Don't die. BIANKA That's the plan. SOUND: Raven caws. BIANKA Do you want your raven? MALPHOREUS No. SOUND: PORTAL CLOSES. SOUND: RAVEN caws. BIANKA Um. Hey. Well. SOUND: LOCKPICKING. Door opens. BIANKA Alright, let's see... SOUND: The duchess' snoring. Bianka's quiet footsteps. BIANKA Well. I'm here. Might as well... And, um, sorry if you die. You seemed like a nice enough old lady, even if you stole someone's body. I'm sure you had reasons. Even if they were morally ambiguous. I mean, what's right and what's wrong is kind of blurry, right? Look at me, monologuing to the old lady I'm probably about to kill. I'm getting soft. SOUND: She unclasps the necklace. A disconcerting hum. BIANKA That was too easy. SOUND: A magic spell. The bed creaks as the duchess grows in size. The snores turn monstrous. BIANKA Oh. Oh wow. That's... not what I was expecting... Yikes. This might be a problem... '''SCENE 16'. INT. GIL AND FAENDYR'S ROOM. SOUND: Knocking. BIANKA (other side of the door) Guys? Guys! Wake up! ... Ugh. SOUND: Lockpick. Door opens. BIANKA (now in the room) Guys. Wake up. GILBERT AND FAENDYR *startled noises* BIANKA Looks like you had a fun evening. FAENDYR Shut up. CAMILLA (walking in) What's going on? BIANKA So, good news, bad news. Good news, I have the relic. GILBERT This couldn't have waited until morning? BIANKA Bad news, it appears that the Duchess is actually a vampire. GILBERT Wait, what? BIANKA I should say, a vampire is posing as the Duchess. Because as soon as I took off the Relic, it was clearly someone else. CAMILLA I beg your pardon? SOUND: Colin arrives COLIN Oh, are we all sleeping in here? GILBERT What are you doing out of bed? COLIN I have a question? FAENDYR Oh my gods. COLIN I think it's important? GILBERT (sigh) What is it, Colin? COLIN Is it normal for humans to keep skeletons and piles of clothing in their pantries? GILBERT No...? COLIN Okay, I wasn't sure. 'Cos it's normal for faeries but I don't remember my human parents doing that. FAENDYR Um, could you elaborate? COLIN Well, my mum usually kept cheese and potatoes-- FAENDYR No, Colin, about the skeletons. COLIN Oh. Well, Kevin was more interested in them than I was. I was looking for food. KEVIN *squeak* COLIN He says the skeletons go back many years, and there are lots of them. CAMILLA It would appear-- BIANKA I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just have to tell someone or I'm going to die. I saw its... you know. FAENDYR Oh? BIANKA It was one of those ugly, gross vampires though. So. FAENDYR Ew. BIANKA What I'm saying is, I saw its ding-dong. GILBERT Yes, we understood, thanks! BIANKA It was... hard to miss. FAENDYR Ew! COLIN What's a "ding-dong"? GILBERT Oh my gods... FAENDYR Its uh, "member". COLIN Oooooh. What's it a member of? CAMILLA I'm staying out of this. COLIN It's a member of what? What guild is it a part of?? FAENDYR No. Its male uh... part? COLIN Ooooh! You mean its wenis! GILBERT (dying) Oh my gods...! COLIN You could have just said "wenis". I'm not a baby; I know what a wenis is! FAENDYR This is your fault. BIANKA What did I do? FAENDYR You said "ding-dong"! BIANKA Yeah, well, you said "member"! CAMILLA Please! We need to focus! And if I am forced to hear another euphemism for male genitalia, I will ''stab someone. FAENDYR Will you ''thrust a sword into them? ... What? I was just asking. CAMILLA As I was going to say, the vampire must have taken the Duchess' life. It used the relic to maintain an illusion spell, and assumed her place. Then it preyed on travelers who came by on their way to Amaranthyne looking for hospitality. FAENDYR It explains our clothes too. ALL Ew...! Oh my gods (etc) FAENDYR I dunno, those robes look good, so. Whatever. COLIN It took her life? GILBERT Do you understand what that means, Colin? COLIN Yes. (beat) Where did it take it? FAENDYR Oh my gods. COLIN Should we find it and give it back to her? SOUND: MONSTROUS SCREECHING further down the hallway. BIANKA That doesn't sound good. SOUND: KEANU screams from the same location. COLIN Keanu is in trouble! GILBERT Where is he? COLIN On the stairs! FAENDYR Can we get dressed first? No? Okay. SOUND: The companions run down the hall. FAENDYR I mean, I get this is a situation, but we're all wearing night clothes. And I'm wearing a negligee. CAMILLA Shut up. FAENDYR Maybe the vampire will die from laughing... BIANKA No, you look good. SCENE 17. INT. BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY. COLIN Keanu! KEANU Hey guys! Uh... is that a vampire? BIANKA Yeah, it is! KEANU Okay. Cool cool cool. It looks like it's hungry. SOUND: The vampire hisses. GILBERT Keanu, I think you should run. KEANU Yeah, I think I should too, but I forget how stairs work? And also my legs. CAMILLA I have a plan. Gil, ready your sword. FAENDYR *snorts* CAMILLA I will kill you with my bare hands. FAENDYR I didn't say anything! CAMILLA On my word, you cast a spell of light. FAENDYR Okay? CAMILLA Vampires don't see well in bright light. BIANKA He'll still be able to smell us, though. CAMILLA I have a plan for that too. FAENDYR Wait... why do you have a bowl of my gruel? CAMILLA Ready? SOUND: Gil draws his sword. BIANKA Hey, assbutt! COLIN Awww she said ass AND butt! BIANKA I'm allowed to! KEANU Hi vampire, please ignore me! I'm just a unicorn! Unicorns don't have blood! I don't think... BIANKA Looking for this? SOUND: Bianka jiggles the necklace. A disconcerting hum. VAMPIRE That's mine, dwarf! BIANKA Yeah, what are you gonna do about it? ... By the way you look really cute in those old lady pjs. VAMPIRE *screech* CAMILLA Faendyr! Now! FAENDYR Lumen! SOUND: A sound of a bright light being cast. VAMPIRE *painful screech* FAENDYR Kinda hard to see now, huh? VAMPIRE You fools! I don't need to see to kill you- I can smell your blood! CAMILLA Not after this... Catch! SOUND: Camilla throws a bowl of gruel. It hits the face of the vampire, and splatters on the floor. KEANU Nice! Right in the face! COLIN Oooooh! VAMPIRE What is that horrible smell?! CAMILLA Gil! Quickly! Its head! SOUND: Gil cuts off its head. It screeches and dies. GILBERT It's dead. BIANKA Kinda hard to not be, considering it's head isn't attached anymore. COLIN Yay! CAMILLA Oh thank the gods. FAENDYR That was so hot, Gil. Phew, I need a drink. Anybody else need a drink? BIANKA You killed her. GILBERT What? BIANKA You killed the Duchess Withershanks, Gil! After you swore she would not die by your hand! COLIN Ooooh! He did! You killed her, Gil! You murdered her! SOUND: Rupert runs up RUPERT What in the infernal plane is going on-- my gods! GILBERT We can explain... RUPERT You've killed it. Thank the gods. We're free! FAENDYR Wait, you knew? RUPERT The Duchess hadn't been herself for some time. She had ceased beating the servants for every minor infraction. I assumed it was just her mind failing her in her advanced age. Then, a few years ago, I saw the pantry. COLIN The skeletons? RUPERT They weren't skeletons at the time. ALL Ew. RUPERT I recognized the clothing as having belonged to previous guests. And they were clearly drained of all of their blood. COLIN Oooooh! RUPERT That vampire told me all the servants and I would... end up in the pantry too, unless I kept my knowledge to myself. I tried to be as rude as possible to any guests so they would quickly leave of their own accord. COMPANIONS Ohhhhhh. COLIN You might want to check your shoes before you put them on. RUPERT I cannot thank you enough for freeing the duchy, and saving the lives of other travelers. BIANKA That was why we came. KENAU It was? I thought we were here to-- COMPANIONS (NOT COLIN) NO KEANU. SOUND: Portal. MALPHOREUS Greetings. BIANKA Don't worry, Rupert. He's with us. Here ya go, big guy. SOUND: Necklace being handed over, disconcerting hum. MALPHOREUS Thank you. And I apologize that this ended up being more dangerous than I anticipated. SOUND: Malphoreus puts it away. FAENDYR I'm just glad we ended up murdering a vampire and not an old lady. RUPERT Pardon? MALPHOREUS Snowball sends her thanks. Or she would, if she understood the concept of gratitude, that is. BIANKA Tell her to have mercy on us when she takes over the universe! MALPHOREUS I'm sure she won't. Nonetheless, I will pass on your request... Oh! Is that a vampire corpse? GILBERT Yeah. MALPHOREUS Do you all want that body? ALL No, no. COLIN I do. GILBERT No, Colin. MALPHOREUS I'll gladly take it off your hands... if you're certain you don't want it. RUPERT Please. SOUND: Body dragging. MALPHOREUS Yes. Well. Farewell. SOUND: He portals away. RUPERT Again, you have our deepest gratitude. The only problem remaining is figuring out who will lead the duchy. All of the Duchess' relatives died out a long time ago. She was the end of her line. CAMILLA Not quite. The Withershanks descended from Lord Kirk's youngest daughter. My father, King Alfred is her 5th cousin, twice removed. Congratulations, you are now part of the Kingdom of Kirkland. As such, I am your Crown Princess, and someday Queen. It is a great honor for you. RUPERT Uh. CAMILLA Someone will be along later this year to collect tribute. RUPERT Wonderful. FAENDYR Congrats. BARD After a peaceful night's sleep, their souls untroubled by their crime-- GILBERT It wasn't... it was a vampire!! BARD The grateful servants fill the Companions' bags with delicious provisions so they will no longer suffer the indignity of Faendyr's gruel-- FAENDYR I'm ignoring you from now on. BARD They return to their journey to Amaranthyne. What perils will they encounter? What other old ladies will they slay? GILBERT I didn't... ugh. BARD Will they procure the Hungering Band, their final relic? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT! CREDITS BLOOPER MICHAEL (as Keanu) Back to square one..... Back to stair one. (Silver, Bridgette and Lena laugh) LENA Oh no. END EPISODE